Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
