Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
