Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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