i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
