Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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