you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
