The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
