Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
