i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
lol hangovers are for mortals.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
