fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
