i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
