genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
His hands were made for my vagina.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
