this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
