She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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