DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
