i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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