he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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