Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he was CRYING into my vagina
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
