I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
