we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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