so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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