I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
