I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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