Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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