hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize