what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
