Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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