Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He? As in you personified your dick?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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