She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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