I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
