are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
