you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
