I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
