I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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