My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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