you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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