y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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