Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
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I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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