I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
