Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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