I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Randomize
