i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
