Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
