they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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