tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
