Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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