I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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