i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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