i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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