Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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