My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.