Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.