I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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