He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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