Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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