Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
