if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
