I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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