my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
accomplished twins. life is a go
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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