I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
She needs sedatives and a leash
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
