we have pet lesbian snakes
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Randomize
