I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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