i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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