Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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