Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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