I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
